The art of asking "why?"

As a society, we have come to expect higher education to shape our children’s future and set them on their path to becoming productive adults. Students and their parents pay tens-of-thousands of dollars in order to realize their expectations, yet often overlook the roadblocks that have been placed in the way long before they ever set foot inside a college classroom, they’ve lost the ability to ask one of the most fundamental questions of childhood: “Why?”

As with most issues, the problem starts at the beginning – when you, as a parent, have lost patience with your toddler repeatedly asking “why?”  Parents around the world groan when their young child starts the stage of incessantly asking this question over and over. When my two-year-old wants candy at the store after I’ve told her “no,” with multiple explanations, and she has asked for the eighth time “but why?” I want to pull my hair out. It’s easy for the busy parent to wish their toddler would just stop asking why and caution the child that there will be consequences if he/she asks “why” one more time. And yet, like so many things in life, the easy choice can have far-ranging repercussions.

By the time that child is a second-year college student, sitting across my desk without a clue what they want to do with their lives, they have learned to believe that the question “why?” is undesirable and it’s costing them, or their parent’s, time and money.

What do they want to do with the rest of their lives is largely connected to what brings them joy currently and more often than not video games are at the top of the list. In fact, according to a new Pew International Research study, video game playing among university students is almost ubiquitous, with 70% of college students reporting some level of video game playing. I use this hobby as an opportunity to force students into revisiting the reflective skill they lost as a child – I ask them “Why?”  Why do they like playing video games: do they enjoy the aspect of collaboration and teamwork? Do they prefer the strategy and planning? Do they like the autonomy or independence of video game playing?

Once my students think about which parts of video games they enjoy the most – which may vary between game genre as well as between the individuals– I ask them to dive deeper and analyze “why?” Why do they like that aspect? Does it provide a sense of accomplishment? Are they better at it than their peers? Is it challenging or competitive?

These young adults struggle with the reflective “why” questions because, as they report back to me, they have never thought about it. In fact, by the time these young adults reach my office, they have seemingly lost the skill of reflection and have never questioned why they like the things they do, or how they can learn from their experiences. Why have they lost this ability?

First, let’s think about why the young child is asking “why”. Does the child really need you to explain five times why they need to put on their shoes? No, they don’t. They grasped the explanation the first time, or at least by the third time. In fact, children are trying to engage you in conversation in the best way they know how, by asking higher-order questions That’s right, your child has already figured out that if they ask you a simple yes/no question, the conversation is done, but a “why?” question elicits a longer response. They don’t actually want you to explain why wearing pants outside the house is socially necessary seven times in a row; they want you to interact with them because they want your attention and they are trying to mirror adult conversation styles. Young children just don’t know how to vary their question or prompts to elicit these longer conversations they see you having with other adults, so they turn towards asking you “why?”

By getting frustrated with a toddler who asks “why” we are inadvertently teaching them that asking for in-depth and reflective questions isn’t appropriate. Usually by age 4 or 5, children have almost eliminated the “why” from their vocabulary because they’ve been taught that asking “why” frustrates the adults around them.  In fact, this is exactly why the question re-appears at the onset of adolescence, as children try to push their boundaries and question their parents using the “but why… [can’t I stay out past 10 pm on a school night]” Do they really not understand why being out late is not safe or healthy? While adolescents want to learn through experience, they intellectually know the answer before they ask the question. Questioning adults on information they already know is a way of breaking the bonds of childhood and gaining independence because they have learned that asking “why” upsets adults.

Once they achieve the coveted independence and reach the hallowed halls of higher learning, these young adults firmly believe that the question “why” is juvenile, and adults do not value the question. They no long have the ability to reflect on their lives. Eighty-nine percent of the students in my biology courses want to be doctors. This is a choice that defines their lives and future, yet when asked “why?” they have no idea. They have some vague notion that doctors help people and are pillars of society. But they have no idea why that fits their desires, because they were taught as a toddler that asking why is unacceptable.

Instead of squelching our children’s innate ability to reflect and ask why, we need to foster it – without risking our own sanity. The next time a young child pesters you with the “why” question, try a different tactic – turn the question around; ask your child “why do you think…. [it’s not alright to pee on the grass in front of the store]?” This strategy does two things: first, it eliminates the risk of teaching children that asking “why” triggers negative reactions in adults thus potentially decreasing your stress later in their life as they use “why?” to create a rift in your relationship. More importantly, it teaches children to reflect. Turning the question around so that the child needs to answer “why?” helps the child to build their own metacognition. By teaching them to be aware of their own understanding and thought processes, you help lay the foundation for critical thought later in life.

With older children who have grown up on video games, instead of looking at the games as a distraction, use them as an opportunity to ask your kids this simple question: “Why?” Why do they choose the games they play? What aspect of the game do they enjoy? And finally, why do they enjoy that aspect and how does it make them feel? By teaching our children the skills of metacognition and self-analysis early, they will be better prepared to make the most of their time and money when they enter college. The skill of reflection is often the difference between someone who is successful and someone who struggles to move forward. So, start asking the children in your life to reflect on their thoughts, feelings and experiences – ask them “why?”